Monday, October 31, 2011

A little about me...

A little about me. I love my husband. I love him so much. He is my best friend, the only person I feel I can really talk to. But what do I do when what I need to talk about... is him? So I created this "sound board" of sorts. Where I can come, talk, rant and rave, blow off steam, express my deepest, sometimes darkest, feelings and emotions to whomever would like to follow me on my journey. I need this friend, this confidant, to listen, to understand, to support, and to sometimes respond. I need this because he is addicted to pornography. It his his addiction, and the effects it has on me that I need to talk about. While I love him, the true him, who he really is inside... there is a part of him who is not mine, who has betrayed me, is cheating on me, forgetting me. This is the man that I do not know, do not trust, do not love. There are days I want to smash every screen in the house, throw the computer out the window... send it crashing violently to the concrete below. But it wouldn't change anything. An addiction is a state of mind, not a state of opportunity or circumstance. It comes from inside him, not from where it is fed. It is wherever he is. He tries to hide it, to forget it. He is ashamed of it, his addiction is not who he is. It started when he was very young. A "friend" showed him a magazine when he was 8. And from there it spread, before he even knew what he was doing and what it was doing to him, what problems it would cause. He is a good man, a strong man, an honest man, but when it comes to this horrible desease, he is a completely different person. The good thing, the hope, is that he is trying to overcome it. He does talk to me about it, and as time has gone on, has become more open with me and sometimes even comes to me on his own with his confession. He is also speaking with a professional and taking some of the necessary steps, but because he tries to hide and forget it, he tends to forget to continue taking those steps. His last appointment with the professional was over 3 weeks ago... and because of work schedules, and other "excuses" he has not (in my opinion - even tried to) set another appointment. When I try to be patient, be supportive, and remind him, try to help him, I end up coming off as angry, grouchy, and annoyed. He gets very offensive and it very touchy about the subject. I believe this is due to his internal frustration. This makes him retreat back even more into his shell. But what I am really angry at is the situation... *sigh. I don't know what I should do? I need a balance. I have been trying to let him alone, hoping he would take charge and start the process himself, but he seems to just go back to the normal swing of things, forgetting what he should be doing. I am not his boss, or his mother, but what should I do? Should I take control and make appointments for him? Or should I wait until it means enough to him to do it himself? Sometimes I think that because he isn't doing anything about it, that it's not on top of his list of priorities where it should be. This is me we are talking about. His companion, his friend, his love, his wife. He says he loves me and can't live without me. But why won't he do this for me? Why won't he do what it takes? It hurts that he won't. If any of you have experience with this, I would be grateful to any advice you can give. Thank you. Moira Grace.

1 comment:

  1. Have you tried drawing a parallel? For instance "How would you feel if i started wishing I was with someone who made more money? So I didn't have to work for a living? Would it make you feel inadequate/unappreciated? Kind of like i feel right now...." it sounds a little mean, but there's a degree of honesty to it and when said in a normal tone of voice, in the attempt to induce empathy rather than start a fight, it could help. I haven't used it for this specific circumstance, but others.